This post is mostly for me... a way to express my feelings so I won't forget them. You know... what I should use my journal for but then I'd have to dust it off!! Sooo... it's a long one.... you don't have to keep reading if you don't want to!
I've been feeling so much gratitude for the chance to be a new mom lately. I'm sure I felt this way with the other two, but for some reason it feels different with Brighton. Not that I love him more, but I think it's because I finally know what to expect. With Kaden I was a new mom.... terrified of how to take care of a new baby and how to "share" my love between Brian and a child. We had been married 5 years before we had Kaden and had dated several years before that. We had never had to share eachother before. As soon as he came, we loved him immediatly, but it was still unknown territory. A lot had to be learned.
Then with Avery.. I was once again worried about loving her as much as I did Kaden. I had almost 2 1/2 years to have all the one on one time I wanted with Kaden and I was afraid I wouldn't be as good as a mom when there was another one in the picture. Soon I found out that once again I didn't have to split my love between 3 people now... somehow my love just grew. It's true Avery hasn't gotten as much one on one time as Kaden did, but it hasn't really mattered. She still feels just as loved and magically I'm able to give them each personal time when they need it.
When I became pregnant with Brighton, it was a big shock. With Kaden we had to do fertility drugs, with Avery... it took nearly 2 years, and with Brighton... well... Suprise!!! Needless to say, I was too shocked to be happy about it for a while. I like things planned out and on my terms (I'm learning that isn't the way Heavenly Father does things.. I know, I'm slow) So it took me several months to get excited about having another child. How was I going to handle 3 kids? But then he came. I knew (from experience) that I would love this kid as much as my other kids, and that somehow this new little baby would even make me love my other kids and my husband even more.... (again... the love grows, it's never divided). I find myself in awe with the amount of love I have for this little guy. I treasure the moments when it's quiet in the house and I just sit and cuddle with him. My heart melts when he stares up at me or when he turns his head to the sound of my voice. What is it about a newborn that makes you obsessed with kissing them? We don't go around kissing other people a thousand times a minute! But when I'm holding him, I can't help but kiss his little head, hold his hand, or just stare. I am truly in awe by this tiny little guy and that I'm blessed enough to be his mother.
Then I look at my other two kids. I notice Kaden and his ability to keep Avery entertained when I can't. I don't ask him to, and he doesn't even know he's doing it, but it's as if he KNOWS that I need the help. I watch him coloring or playing with his cars or listening to his stories and am blown away that he's growing up. It wasn't too long ago that it was him in my arms. He is one of the kindest, compassionate, sincere people I have ever met and he's only 4 years old. I learn alot from him each day.
Then there is Avery. For the first time in her life, she's actually wanting a little more of my attention. She's always had a more independant personality I'm sure she gets from me (her stubborness also comes from me as well). But lately she'll come up on the couch and cuddle while I read her a book, or she'll crawl in bed with me and just hang out for a few minutes. She too is growing up and it's as if I can see her personality develop like I'm watching a story unfold on a movie screen. She has this love for life and a determination about her that I know she will succeed. Yet, she has this loving and kind side about her that you can just tell that she cares about people. I don't know how many times I hear her say "a baby go?" and runs in my room to check to see if Brighton is alright. Then she'll say "baby nite nite". As much as I complain about her endless energy and personality... the truth is... she is an incredible little girl full of life and is always making us smile and laugh... isn't that what we wish we could be like to other people?
And last but not least, there's Brian. The one and only man who has ever had enough patience with me (except my own dad) to stick around. Some how he "gets" me.... often better than I "get" myself. I watch him be a dad and it makes me do a couple things... The first and most important is that I fall in love with him more and more each time he's wrestling on the floor with 2 kids jumping all over him (even if he's exhausted he still finds the energy to play) or when he's doing anything at all with the kids. From cuddling Brighton to launching rockets with Kaden and even trying to do Avery's hair so she looks "cute". He's the best. And I love him more and more with each act he does for and with his children. The second is because of the first reason. It's just that when I watch him with the kids, it makes me realize the importance of taking time out to "play". I've learned that from him and admire it so much. Who cares if the dishes aren't done in the sink and Kaden asks to play trains. What is more important? What does it matter if I answer my emails(or even post a message on my blog) now or wait until Avery has finished sitting on my lap while she looks at the family photos on our computer. Emails and blogs can wait... but she might not. As I'm seeing- they grow up so fast and soon the precious moments of her WANTING to sit on my lap will be gone. That's what I've learned from watching Brian... he always puts us first. And I love him even more because of it.
And last of all, I guess I've even learned a lot about myself. I've learned how much I love being a mom. I've learned that I have the power to control the feelings (for the most part) that are in my home. I also have to power to be the best I can be. I may not feel I'm doing enough... but if I remind myself that I'm doing my best, that will be enough. There are so many times I feel I need to do more, give them more of my time, teach and play with them more often, but the truth is... I'm at least doing it. Maybe not as much as I'd like to, but I am doing it and my kids aren't deprived. They know I love them and they are happy. Is there really anything else they need? Is all the other stuff really for them or is it just a way to help me feel better about my abilities as a mom? I don't know. But I DO know that it's a pretty great job most of the time and I think that most of us moms (and FOR SURE ALL OF YOU MOMS READING MY BLOG) are pretty darn good at what we do. We love our kids, we give them what they need and for the most part we really enjoy it. So this is a big THANK YOU for all you great moms out there that are learning and enjoying and loving your little ones every day just like I am. Keep up the great work and know that I am inspired by all of you as well. We can always learn so much from eachother!
